I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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