for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
