just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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