Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
