he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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