i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
