maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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