All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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