Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Let's paint friendship bongs
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
