Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i wish my penis had a tongue
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
