the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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