He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
