remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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