he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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