the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
