So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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