Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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