My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
