i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
