Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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