I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
