It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
