Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
