There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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