I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
