I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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