i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
