just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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