No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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