fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
