I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
