Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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