2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
