well I can't set my house on fire every night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
