I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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