Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
