The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
