I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
why do cheetos always look like penises
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
