I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
