I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
