you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
