yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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