he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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