i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
