I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
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