You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
