If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
