my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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