woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
