I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
